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It seems only fitting to begin this blog with one of the most incredulous anecdotes I have ever heard or read. A story about a man who 15 years ago needed no introduction.
Prior to 1995 Gerard Finneran was an ordinary, relatively unknown, well-heeled and well-respected investment manager who co-founded Trust Company of the West. Aboard a flight from Buenos Aires to New York on October 20th that all changed.
Finneran’s journey into infamy began aboard United Airlines Flight 976 when he politely requested a drink from the flight attendant before the plane took off. He consumed it in short order and still feeling parched as his thirst was inadequately refreshed, took advantage of his first class seat and requested a second, a third, then a fourth. He began drinking like a frat boy during rush trying to defend the title of chug champion.
Needless to say by the time the plane took off Finneran had been over served and yet still found it necessary to ask the flight attendant for another beverage. To his disappointment the woman refused to serve him and asked him to sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. At this point, dear readers, most people would have let it go, grabbed a pillow, stretched out in first class and passed out for the remainder of the flight, but not Mr. Finneran, oh no ladies and gentlemen, the party was just getting started. Showing tremendous resolve to quench his thirst he battled his way, pushing past flight attendants to the galley and starting pouring drinks for himself. After playing Tom Cruise in Cocktail, he quickly morphed into Dale Earnhardt following a checkered flag victory in Daytona and started showering himself and other passengers with the finest drinks Bar United had to offer. Undoubtedly sober at this point, Mr. Finneran began to matriculate his way back to first class when a male attendant tried to capture the drink out of his hand. According to reports, Finneran allegedly threatened to “bust his ass,” if he didn’t get out of his way and continued with cocktail in hand back to his seat.
Again dear readers, one would think after committing two felonies thus far the story would end, but Mr. Finneran was determined to keep United party 976 going. Still feeling insufficiently refreshed Finneran approached another female flight attendant and demanded she serve him a drink as if she didn't just witness the Bud Light thunderstorm between rows 6 and 7. When she refused, he allegedly pushed her by placing both hands on her chest causing her to fall into the seat behind her. Continuing down the aisle toward his proverbial pot of gold, an enraged Finneran attempted an act yet to be witnessed on any aircraft. With the coordination that would make the most gifted acrobat from Cirque Du Soleil envious, Finneran jumped and balanced himself on top of the food and beverage cart, unlatched his belt, dropped his trousers, and began defecating on the steel trolley! And yes it gets even better... Upon completion of the evacuation of his bowels he calmly used a lightly starched linen napkin and his own fingers to rid his behind of the evidence. According to one complaint, “he began wiping his hands on various service counters and service implements used by the crew and tracked feces throughout the aircraft.” (I know you must be wondering, and the answer is yes, this act has given rise to the time honored saw, “At least I didn’t shit the food cart.”) In response, with the aircraft still four hours outside of New York, the captain of the flight suspended all food and beverage service, (really good call by the captain don’t you think?), due to the possibility of an infectious condition.
It took all the attendants on board to get Mr. Finneran back to his seat and then bound him with plastic handcuffs for the remainder of the flight. He was arrested upon his arrival in to New York and charged with intentionally assaulting and intimidating a flight attendant and interfering with the performance of an attendant. Finneran’s lawyer immediately denied his client defecated on the food cart. He stated Finneran suffered an attack of diarrhea but found the first-class bathroom blocked by aides to the President of Portugal so he had no place else to go. (oh, did we forget to mention he had political elite in the audience?) For you see the President of Portugal was a passenger aboard the flight on his way to a 50th anniversary celebration at the United Nations when Finneran decided to leave a stool sample on his pepper jack frittata.
Finneran pleaded guilty to a federal misdemeanor charge for making the threat aboard the flight and sentenced to two years probation. As part of the plea agreement, he was fined $5,000, ordered to complete 300 hours of community service and also had to pay United Airlines $49,029 for cleanup costs and other passenger’s tickets.
The story became national news and Finneran was roasted nightly by David Letterman and Jay Leno. Check out the “Top Ten Gerard Finneran Excuses” as presented on the 10/27/95 broadcast of the Late Show with David Letterman.
